Outlined in terms of status, wealth, or accomplishment my life doesn't impress. Viewing it through the lens of a spiritual journey now helps me recognize my heart's yearning for truth and my devotion to what really matters to me.
I spent the first 20+ years of my life frustrated, hating the religion of my childhood, feeling angry at the institutions that continued the tradition and ready to be an agnostic for the remainder of my life. I felt a gnawing inside me. I was restless and agitated. I spent my energy deconstructing everything I grew up with. I now see how that played a role in opening me to more possibilities for what a spiritual journey is.
My mom told me during my early twenties that I was like a horse rubbing myself raw against the fence. Another friend told me I was scattered and ungrounded. Anyone who knows me knows that I run from project to project throwing myself in with great energy as though it were the answer to this gaping throbbing need inside me. Writing this now I can feel how this yearning inside me is the inner drive to know love, to know oneness. And that no project or single career is going to satisfy that longing.
More than being right, or being prosperous, or being safe, or doing the next big thing. More than being spiritual or doing yoga or being beautiful. More than living in the right place and knowing the right people. More than being American or Indian, or Chinese. More than being the perfect mom or perfect wife or perfect friend. There is MORE. Under all this stuff of the human experience.
What I've found over the past 15 years has begun to satisfy me. I don't have less gnawing, but now I know why I'm so dissatisfied with all the answers. In part because the answers I long for aren't outside of me. So demanding others to have an answer to satisfy me is an ugly ride that will never end. Also because I was seeking answers in duality. And the only thing that really satisfies me is the experience of oneness.
Longing for oneness is at the root of the gnawing in all of us. It is the core of necessary suffering. Meher Baba says that 99% of suffering is unnecessary. But 1% is the pain caused by the experience of separateness rather than love. It is this suffering which propels us on the journey to truth. In this context I feel the intricacy of love unfolding itself in me, for me, with me. What a different and refreshing perspective.
I've learned over the years how painful separateness is. And I have devoted myself to healing my separateness. The processes I've learned and the teachers I've had the privilege to learn from are part of me and I bring them to my practice as a healer.
"All separateness vanishes as soon as the mind, which is the creator of all this separateness, comes to its termination through the act of divine grace."
Beams from Meher Baba p. 43
May you be blessed on your journey to love,